Too Much.


(photo found at For the Record)

Well, as you can see-this is my first post in a month. There’s been a lot going on in my life and I
simply did not want to post here. I know, that sounds like a terrible thing for someone who loves
to write to say, but it’s true. Putting a schedule on this blog has totally killed my inspiration, so I’m
going to do away with that for a while. I’ll simply write when I feel the inspiration hit me. I’ll do
the same thing with recipes, photographs, or whatever comes to mind at the time.

I’ve been frustrated.
I’ve been angry.
In fact, I still am.

I let my basil plant die last week.
I stopped watering it and watched it whither over a two-week period.
It was looking a little ugly and I was tired of watching it grow little
baby leaves for a couple of days just to let them die.

I’m not “freaking out”.
Faith becomes difficult when you do it all right and it’s still all wrong.
You see, my problem is that I can see all the pros and cons.
I try to look at the pros most often,
but eventually the pros begin to look like excuses.

I know this probably makes no sense to most of you…
but at this point in my life–I’m tired of making sense of anything.

I’m just tired and I want things to be different in so many aspects.
I don’t feel sure of much anymore.
I feel sure of my close family and I feel sure of the love I have for my husband-
enough that each month I turn up not pregnant again I feel more and more bad
for them instead of myself…
like I’m somehow neglecting them a God-given gift.

I know that’s a totally incorrect thing to think–God is still sovereign. I’m simply
saying that this is how it feels and that I’m tired of feeling this way.

Now, I’m not looking for help, I’m not looking for advice, I’m not even looking
for a shoulder to cry on. I don’t want your sympathy or your attention… that’s
not what this is about. This is for me. Maybe God will hear me if I make a scene
because my quiet pleading seems to be getting me no where anymore.

I know “all the answers are in the throne room.”
I know “it’s all covered with His Blood.”
I know “He is faithful.”
I know “if He did it for you, He’ll do it for me.”
I know I’m supposed to be patient.
I know “His word never returns void.”

I know all of these things. In fact, I could quote scripture to back it all up. And I know to
know all of those things in my heart and not just my head – and I do. This is what my whole
entire life has been about. I’m not laying down my faith and I’m not turning from God.
It just hurts, that’s all. Simple as that.
This all sucks.

I don’t feel like it’s right.
I don’t feel like it’s fair.
I just want to be a mother
And I want God to do it just like He said He would.
Is that really too much to ask?

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Comments
10 Responses to “Too Much.”
  1. I love your honesty. sorry things have been rough.

  2. Stephanie (mom) says:

    You know Ashley it does suck but what sucks more and is even more unfair is that as YOUR MOTHER I had to read this on the internet. I talk to you all the time, even yesterday, and you constantly tell me you are ok, but this is what you publicly write about today. I am so confused. I feel betrayed. Yes I want to be a grandmother, but to your babies, because they are a part of you, not just for the sake of having grandchildren. I am happy with my children the way you are. If a pregnancy would be a “God-given” gift then how could you be the one neglecting to give said gift? It would be in your words from GOD not you! You have no control over when a baby comes so how can you act like you are a disappointment? Would you consider YOUR daughter a disappointment because it took her a little while to get pregnant? Would you want her to lie to you about her feelings and then post the real ones for the world? You are right about one thing, you are definately getting attention by throwing this temper tantrum, but I do not think it will turn out the way you hoped. You wil not get pregnant faster because of it. You will not move God off His throne outside of His chosen timing for His will in ANY thing (I have tried). You are not alone and maybe it is time you stop acting like you are.

    • I’m sorry you had to read all this on the internet :/ my intention was not to hurt you. I’m also sorry I hold all of this in and wear my “it’s okay” face most of the time. Honestly, I actually felt okay the other day when you were asking me, but when I woke up here by myself yesterday I wasn’t okay anymore and I didn’t know what to do. I was mad and throwing a temper tantrum. I should’ve just called you and I don’t know why I didn’t. It’s like when I get angry like that-my mind is impossible to reason with. In fact, I felt so much better ten minutes into our 2 hour and 15 min conversation. (No folks, this isn’t the first apology I’ve given my Mamma over this issue.) Thank you for being so understanding and wanting to talk me through it all. Actually, thank you for doing that for me my whole life! But right now, I want to thank you the most for helping me to understand that it’s okay to feel what I feel.

      I love you so much!

      • Stephanie (mom) says:

        I love you ! It’s funny you say your mind is impossible to reason with considering that was really the whole message from our meeting last week 🙂 The mind has its own reasoning and it is at enmity with God, therefore; if we are God’s then it’s probably at enmity with us too. They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste but it might be an even worse thing to trust!!! You are amazing – Keep moving forward!

      • Ha that’s true! “They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste but it might be an even worse thing to trust” —how profound and true!!

  3. Hey… I was wondering where you were after not hearing from you on here for a while. As a Christian, it is so easy to know the answers in your head, but that is when our faith is tested- to see how we will respond during the times when God seems to not be hearing us. Will we respond correctly based on our knowledge of His inherent goodness? Or will we forget how He has blessed us and see instead only what is wrong? That is something all of us have to walk through at one point or another. (And usually more than once!) All things work together for GOOD to those who love God and to those who are called according to His purpose. If you fit in those categories then know that He has only good planned for your life. His timing is perfect. Keep seeking Him even if you aren’t hearing any answers and you feel like your prayers are hitting the ceiling- you will break through eventually! He hears you. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Alyssa

    • Thank you, Alyssa, for being so encouraging and for keeping me in your prayers! You’re right, all of this is working for good in mine and my husband’s lives-there is so much we are learing about each other and God in this process. He’s growing and stretching us in ways I never knew possible. Yes, there are days it hurts, like yesterday–but then there are days where I see it drawing us closer and closer to God as we see how much more and more we need Him.

      Since you started following this blog of mine—I don’t think you know how encouraging you have been. You have been so quick to hear from God and respond in a way that is, like I said, encouraging but also so sweet and full of scripture. So I’d like to encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing. It may seem like you’re only making little splashes out here in the internet world, but you’re making tidal waves for the Kingdom. :]

      Thank you again!

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